How to Have a Very Productive Day, According to the Internet

Step 1: Wake up at 4 AM. Not because you have anything important to do, but because every productivity guru on YouTube says that the early bird catches the worm. The worm, of course, is success, and success can only be attained by waking up at a ridiculous hour with no reason to be awake. Don’t worry about sleep—who needs it when you're about to conquer the world at 4:50 AM?

Step 2: Meditate for exactly 23 minutes. This is the perfect amount of time to quietly contemplate the choices you've made in life—like why you're up at 4 AM instead of in a cosy bed. Make sure to tell everyone you meet today that you’ve meditated, preferably using the words Zen, Mindfulness, and Energy, to make them think you're deeply enlightened.

Step 3: Write a to-do list. It should include vague, ambitious goals like “Become a millionaire,” “Master the art of conversation,” and “Learn fluent French.” Oh, and don’t forget to add “Write a best-selling novel,” because you can totally write a novel in a day, right? But do not include mundane tasks like “Do laundry,” “Answer emails,” or “Find the TV remote.” Those are tasks for the unproductive masses.

Step 4: Share your productivity. Take a quick break to post an Instagram story caption like, “Just finished an intense 4-hour study session, and now I’m treating myself to a 10-minute coffee break.” The key is to make it look like you’re working hard, even when you might just be scrolling through memes.

Step 5: Have a deep, meaningful conversation with your plants. They definitely have advice on how to get your life together. Plants are the new therapists, right? And at least they don't cost as much as the real ones. Plus, they’re always happy to listen, and they never tell you to take a nap. They just stand there, silently judging you for not having made breakfast yet.

Step 6: Run a marathon... in your mind. Mental marathons are way more efficient than actual marathons. You can do it from the comfort of your own bed, while mentally calculating how many tasks you’ve achieved versus how many you’ve avoided. (Spoiler alert: Zero tasks completed, a hundred tasks avoided.)

Step 7: Reflect on your day. At the end of your "very productive" day, sit down with a cup of tea, look at your to-do list, and feel utterly accomplished for having checked off exactly one task: "Look at to-do list." Consider doing it all over again tomorrow, but only if the stars align and your plants give you their blessing.

Written: 2024